Just Call me Neville Flynn

The following is a true story. The names and characters are accurately depicted to as to give the reader the full effect and allow them to experience the horror that happened.......

Last night I went home after another wonderful evening with J. The sun had set and I made my way home in the twlight. I pulled into my parking spot and gathered my things to take inside my house.

I shut and locked the door and made my way for the stairs, anxious to see Bailey and let her outside for a bit.

I began walking up each step, arms full. As I reached the fourth or fifth step, I just happened to look down at my feet.
And that is when I saw it.
A long, thick, copperhead snake.....literally inches from my brand new pedicure.

Dun Dun DUNNNNNNNNN!!!!!!!!

I immediately had chills up my spine and I quickly backed away to the bottom of the stairs and then down the sidewalk to the parking lot.
I did not freak out. Until I reached my car.

You see, snakes are my phobia. I hate them. I know millions of others hate them as well. But at that moment, I had had a (most likely) copperhead snake, going up the stairs, MY stairs, to my front door.

As I personify my dog, I will also personify all living creatures. I immediately wanted to know what this spineless little satan wanted with me and my house. Were his friends at the top of the landing, just waiting on me? Were they already inside my house????

I then call J. Of course.
He is across town and most likely already asleep. But hey, this is an emergency. And who better to call in an emergency? Yes, the boyfriend who may not like snakes, but for sure is NOT a fraidy cat like I am. He is tough, he will save me!

I also phone matinenance.
Of course, I was told that snakes are NOT considered an emergency. Of course. I should have known. What on earth was I thinking??? calling Maintenance of this problem!!!
I can't believe I thought that paying rent meant that someone would help me in a time of need?!?!

I digress......J wanted me to go back up the stairs, find the snake and somehow get it pushed off the landing and on the ground.

Um.
Yeah......
That is NOT gonna happen.

{As a side note, I figured someone else could do the snake handling. I may be Baptist, but I'm not snake handling Bapist! lol! For those of you who think they do not exist, I suggest you read a book. Or take a graduate level course on the the subject. Or, better yet, take the grad course from the professor who wrote the book!!}

So moments later, J was at my house and bravely took each step with vigor and quickly showed me that there was NO snake on the stairs, underneath the stairs, on the landing, on the railing, or above my door. Snakey was gone.

We go inside the apartment and Bailey is cool as a cucumber. She hasn't seen any trespassors slip inside. We look all around and determine there is no snake.

After J went home I had Bailey by my side when I go back up the stairs. We don't see anything.

My friend JPP is facebooking me that the snake is either in the toliet, my pillowcase, or most likely, my underwear drawer.

Bailey is instructed to check all these places out, as well as under the bed, under the sinks, the bathtub, hot water heater, and even under the covers.

After Bailey completes her security check of the perimeter, I feel better. If my dog can't smell a filthy snake, then most likely, it is NOT in my house. She can detect anything. And she is ready for bed.

The Terror Alert was raised to Orange, but I determine it will go back to Yellow tomorrow morning, barring no more incidents.

After getting ready for bed, I crawl into bed and, much to Bailey's delight, she is instructed to sleep by my side.

Now, I won't say if I really slept with the lights on. And I won't say if I had my MK-4 mace on my nightstand the whole night. You can make your own conclusions as to those details....=)

Flash forward to morning.
5 AM to be exact. I can't sleep anymore.
I need Bailey to check out everything again before I start milling around and getting ready for work.

She seems fine. We decide to take out some trash and go for a nice morning walk.

Around 6am we leave the house. I open the door carefully.
(as if Satan is going to be there on the doormat....)
Nothing there.
And No miscreants on the stairs.

I breathe a sigh of relief.
We head out to the parking lot. Bailey is chipper and ready to play.

But as we turn the corner around my car.........

There. It. Is.

THE SATAN SNAKE.

Just sitting (lying, whatever) in the middle of the parking lot.

THIS is the all proof that I need. I'm sure it's the same snake. Same coloring, etc.


And that, my friends, is when I snapped.

I reached DEEP within me and channeled my inner Samuel L. Jackson, "Neville Flynn" a la "Snakes on a Plane".
(you know what I'm talking about -
"Enough is enough! I've had it with this *$*$*%^ snakes on the &#(@**#@* plane!!!")

I looked at Bailey and said.
"Let's do this!!!"

We jumped in my car. It was just like a old western shoot out, at high noon on main street.....lol! (I could hear "the good, the bad and the ugly" playing in the background)

I drove it right in front of the snake, revved the engine, put it in drive
and I slowly rolled over that filthy little thing.

I felt the thud and bump. Then I stopped.

OOOOO. That felt good. I bet that hurt old Snakey.

Let's do it again I tell my sidekick B.

So I did.

Probably about a dozen more times,
you know, just to make sure that he would NEVER come up MY stairs again.

The birds began to circle. Yes, they literally began to circle.

And those were the last moments for that trespassing copperhead.

Bailey and I rode off into the sunset (I mean, the sunrise actually) and went home to enjoy milkbones and oatmeal, respectively of course, feeling quite victorious that we had fought off the enemy and still had control of our home.

And that, my friends, is my weekend snake story.

It's true.

And I hope that all you snakes (even you snakey humans) out there get the message.
Don't mess with Elizabeth. You are in MY world now.

I am at the top of the food chain in THIS circle of life Simba!!


I'm still trying to decide if I should have some sandals made with Snakey. You know, to boast about my snake killing abilities and to serve as a warning to all others who want to enter the domain that is MY concrete Jungle!!

The End